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ON THE EDGE OF
COMMON SENSE
by Baxter Black, DVM
Santy’s
Emission Sticker
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The word came down last Christmas that Santy was not in compliance.
His mode of transportation fell far short of the standards of science.
The E.P.A. and D.O.T. proclaimed, and here’s the real kicker,
He’d be required to now possess an official emissions sticker.
So off he went to Fort
McMurray, the nearest inspection station.
He drove his team in through the door and was met by a congregation
Of Worker ants and clipboard kings all looking so officious.
"Connect the hoses!" the headman said. The reindeer got
suspicious.
“And be aware of pressure leaks, those backfires can be brutal.
Now rev the RPMs up high and we’ll check the whole caboodle.”
The carbon dioxide blinking lights began illuminating.
“A direct result,” the inspector said, “of reindeer ruminating.
"The methane levels must be checked out to protect from global warming"
"Relax," said Santy, "the after burners will keep the
methane conforming."
"Just one more test," the inspector said, "to check for
particulate matter."
He kicked the RPMs on up. All thirty-two hooves made a clatter
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You better back off,” Santy shouted... but too late. The tragic result;
The hoses blew and the reindeer flew like jets off a catapult!
The blast blew out all the windows, eclipsed the A. Borealis.
Lit up the Kremlin in Moscow and darkened the streets of Dallas.
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It knocked the moon outta orbit and started an Arctic tsunami.
It broke up a mortician party, just when it was gettin’ embalmy.
A mushroom cloud arose from the scene, a silent but deadly convector,
Below, knee deep in emissions stood the intrepid inspector.
He gathered up his dignity with a minimum of swearin’.
Then with the edge of his clipboard and the hard hat he’d been wearin’,
He collected the solid particulates to complete ol’ Santy’s packet
By scrapin’ the requisite samples off the front of his jacket.
Baxter Black is a former large animal veterinarian who can be followed nationwide through this column, National Public Radio, public appearances, television and also through his books, cds, videos and website,
www.baxter
black.com.
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