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If
there is one thing that can swing the whole pendulum from useless to
invaluable, it would have to be instructions. There are probably about
as many jokes about men using instructions as there are about blondes
and intelligence. The only difference is that normally the jokes about
men using instructions usually hit the nail right on the head.
When
it comes to instructions, we men cannot be satisfied. If a product
requiring "some" assembly has a set of instructions with it,
the instructions are usually discarded and we go it on our own. We also
fail to appreciate the luxury of being able to have our choice of
several different languages. When I do have to consult the instructions,
I’m often wondering if one of those other languages might have done a
better job explaining the process than the English version does. On
those rare occasions when there are no instructions, we usually are
heard making a statement such as "You mean to tell me that they
didn’t even put any instructions in here?"
But,
after all, we are men and we are mechanically and technologically
inclined. If someone else is smart enough to design this thing and get
it to the point that only "some" assembly is required, then we
are smart enough to take these pieces and put them together. After all,
if you can make it fit, it must be right.
It’s
kind of like putting a puzzle together. No one ever complains about
instructions not being included in with a 500 or 1000 piece puzzle. You
don’t need to be told to take piece 397 and interlock it with piece
202. If it fits and the colors match, then it is correct. Common sense
would tell you that the same principle works with assembling a grill or
a bicycle. The real underlying problem is having cooked on a grill
hundreds of times and ridden a bicycle thousands of times, I don’t
want to admit to my wife that "I really don’t know how this is
supposed to go."
"No
additional tools required" is another catchy phrase you will often
see in the instructions. I’m thinking that it was awfully nice of them
to put me a set of tools in there, too. Then I find that the tool set
includes a cheap pair of pliers that you better not squeeze too hard or
you’ll need a band-aid (not included). The rest of the tool set is a
small allen wrench and another wrench made of a flat piece of metal with
two or three hexagon shaped holes of various sizes. They really didn’t
have the heart to tell you that it will also need a hammer (very
important), a long screwdriver for use as a pry bar, a cutting torch and
a mig welder.
If
you think the bicycle and grill are adventures, just wait until you get
into hooking the new VCR/DVD player to the TV and to the box for your
satellite receiver. There is no way a set of directions smaller than a
New Testament and Psalms combination can explain all the possible
variations of what you will need to do in each situation. Not only do
you need a glossary of terms to explain the various gadgets, but those
line art illustrations don’t begin to resemble anything that you have
yet seen. This part of the instructions is not meant to be understood.
What they are trying to say is, "We don’t know how to explain
this, so you will just have to figure it out for yourself." So, go
ahead, throw those instructions away. All those years you’ve spent
trouble shooting problems on the electric fence and becoming an expert
in circuitry ought to come in real handy now.
I
didn’t realize until a few days ago how dependent we are (or how
dependent we are thought to be) on directions. I was going into one of
those big box stores the other day and noticed the rocking chairs out
front. I eased over to check out the price. Instead of a price sticker
on it, there was a sticker that read "front." We have sunk to
a new low if that was intended to be instructions on how to operate a
rocking chair. Of course, the manufacturer may know of someone who has
operated a rocking chair in a manner inconsistent with its intended use.
It kind of reminded me of a one gallon gas can that I saw years ago that
had a warning label that read "Not intended for use with flammable
liquids." Try to figure that one out. |
