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I
called him after I heard him being interviewed on national
radio. When he answered…he was in Chile! Turns out he was down
there and in Mexico (home of the guacamole) arranging to import
Spanish-speaking avocados to fill the gap for the avocadophiles in the
United States of Avocado.
Steve
explained that 20O weather kills the fruit and it becomes useless. I
commented that when old bananas turn black the average mother with
children will say, "Don’t throw it away, we’ll make banana bread
out of it!" So I postulated there must be some way to use old
black avocados.
There
is a rum drink with pineapples, coconuts and a paper umbrella called a
Piña Colada. How ‘bout the Avocolada? Maybe use something dark
like prune juice, a coagulant like vitamin K and a miniature Mexican flag!
I
also think over-ripe avocados might do well in a sushi bar. To eat raw
mollusks and amphibians that crawl on the sea floor, a diner must first
get past the unappetizing description of the entree before they can try it
for the first time. Black avocados would be an easy next step; the
menu special could read:
"Today’s
special - choice of pimpled, pockmarked pieces of sea urchin, 4-ply radial
abalone or a slimy serving of de-haired octopus pouch, each garnished with
Avogooey, a stringy, slightly ‘off’ black mass that sticks to the roof
of your mouth like mutton fat. Only 2500 yen…comes with chopsticks
and a latex glove."
There
could well be a place for over-the-hill avocados on the airline in-flight
menu. Along with your three pretzels and peanut you could get a
hermetically sealed foil packet of Avokaka. The discriminating
passenger would squeeze a dollop onto the lowered tray where it would
adhere. As the aircraft yawed, pitched and rolled, the Avokaka would
slide back and forth leaving a mucoid trail like a snail. It would be
served with a Q-tip and motion sickness bag!
So
many possibilities: an organic graffiti base - Avoscrawl. A non-lethal
weapon to use at Green Party protests - The Avogranade.
In
place of a Bag Balm to use on chapped udders or for owls with chapped lips
called Avahooters.
Actually,
it’s hard enough to find uses for deliciously ripe green avocados, much
less rotten ones, so the best I can suggest to Steve is to keep
contributing to global warming. You’ll have a brief 4 or 5 millennia
window between southern California being a frost free zone and eventually
becoming a real Sea World. Pick ‘em green, cowboy!
Baxter
Black is a former large animal veterinarian who can be followed nationwide
through this column, National Public Radio, public appearances, television
and also through his books, cds, videos and website, www.baxterblack.com.
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